“After Riverdale”

I’ve gone and done it. I’ve assembled my dream cast to star in a modern day, rom-com based on Archie comics because these are things I methodically outline while travelling to and from work. I have the entire movie written in my head. To me, this is a thing that’s going to happen.

Why?

I became obsessed with these characters when I discovered them in my brother’s room. It was always a fight because I felt I should have every right to read any and all of his comic books. It was a happy day when we’d reach the cashier check-out of any grocery/drug store and my mother would finally allow me to choose the Double Digest I wanted. Always Double Digests, ALWAYS Pals ‘n’ Gals or Betty & Veronica. Even as an adolescent I needed to immerse myself in the absolute ridiculousness of relationships and what girls went through to get the boy they liked.  This is also where my infatuation with red-headed gentlemen began – Archie was one of my first loves, regardless of him being a cartoon.

So without further adieu, here is who I’d love to see on the big screen if Hollywood decided to, properly, re-imagine the Riverdale gang as sexy, funny 30-somethings trying to make sense of things outside of high school.  (JaBG NOTE: This is not up for debate, these are my personal opinionss. This is how I see it, folks…and it’s grand!)

THE LOVE TRIANGLE (Archie Andrews, Betty Cooper & Veronica Lodge):

Archie is still coasting through life with his unintentional charm. He finished with a degree in business and lives in a studio apartment above the bar he owns. He worked at the Chok’lit Shoppe all through school and became manager when he graduated. Pop Tate passed away, leaving him the shoppe which he turned into a bar. Arch renamed it “PoP’s Place” and it’s ‘happy hour’ central. The high school friends who stayed in Riverdale are regulars.

After University, Betty received her Ph.D. in International Relations and left Riverdale to travel the world. She has been living in South Africa for the past 5 years, working as a U.S. Ambassador. It was hard for Betty to leave her family and friends but she couldn’t continue battling her best friend for her boyfriend.  She left a note for Archie the night before she left town; he was to meet her at their usual spot at Lookout Point if he wanted to make things work.  He never showed; she left without a backward glance.

Veronica thought she could coast through post-secondary education the way she did in high school.  Her father wasn’t having it & after all the years of threatening that he’ll cut the purse strings, he finally did!  She landed a part-time clerical job with a local seamstress and realized she had a natural flair for designing.  Under the tutelage of her boss, she changed her major to fashion and is behind the luxury designer label, Véron. She spends most of her time in Paris because she cannot stand Riverdale or its basic townsfolk. You would think this experience would humble her, but you know Ronnie!

Archie (Anders Holm), Betty (Michelle Williams) & Veronica (Christina RIcci)

Archie Andrews (Anders Holm), Betty Cooper (Michelle Williams) & Veronica Lodge (Christina Ricci)

THE HIGH-SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS (Midge Klump & Moose Mason, Nancy Woods & Chuck Clayton):

Moose married Midge after high school. She was only the one for him. He received a football scholarship & became best friend’s with Dilton Doiley, who tutored him all through school. They were a bit of an odd couple but it worked. He was always labelled as a dumb jock but graduated with a degree in Finance. Dilton never gave up on him and helped him start a not-for-profit accounting business for all the people in town who can’t afford these services. He’s beloved by the city, a fixture in the community – loving husband & doting father of two. Moose is about to find out Midge cheated on him right before their wedding with Reggie. This news is going to rock their relationship, will it survive?

Chuck was drafted to the Riverdale Soldiers right out of high school, he’s the star wide receiver.  Chuck and Nancy are still going strong – they are a power couple. She is a city councillor with eyes on the Governor position. They are the backbone of the gang; everyone goes to them for advice.

Midge Klump (Selma Blair), Moose Mason (Chris Pratt), Nancy Woods (Lupita N’yong’o) & Chuck Taylor (Taye Diggs)

THIRD WHEELS (Dilton Doiley, Cheryl Blossom & Reggie Mantle):

Dilton is Riverdale’s version of Mark Zuckerberg; he created an algorithm for an online dating service that proved the most successful matches than any other site out there. His skills took him to Silicon Valley. While he is filthy rich, no one would ever know it. He became Ethel’s sounding board in University and helped her with all of her zany plans to get Jughead. His heart pines for her and he doesn’t know how to show her that he’s the man for her instead of Jughead. (SIDE NOTE: in exchange for tutoring in University, Moose put Dilton on a weight training program to help him with his self-esteem. He’s one of the most desired bachelors in the world & doesn’t even know it.)

Cheryl owns a modelling agency and has spent all the years since high school trying to separate herself from her reputation. She may as well have “Home-wrecker BEWARE” tattooed across her forehead. She’s not that girl anymore!

Reggie IS still a complete player.  He works for Chuck and is the most sought after agent in the sports world. He capitalizes on all the benefits that come along with this and his jet-setting lifestyle. His return to Riverdale has him shook. His love-em-and-leave-em ways have hurt a lot of people & he’s unsure who to trust. His past affair with Midge is bound to come out and he’s risking his face being rearranged by Moose. When he returns to the city, he immediately enlists the help of Cheryl and realizes his heart still works after all. Is it too late?

Dilton Doiley (Paul Rudd), Cheryl Blossom (Amy Adams) & Reggie Mantle (Dominic Cooper)

THE BACHELOR & THE DREAMER: (Jughead Jones & Big Ethel):

Jughead’s love for food ended up being his meal ticket out of Riverdale;  he’s the television personality behind several food series. Ethel is Nancy’s campaign manager. Her love for Jughead has never wavered, which has killed Dilton all these years. She and Dilton stay in touch via social media.  She has one final plan to make Jughead see she is his true love but Dilton has a plan of his own!

Forsythe P. Jones a.k.a. Jughead (Jason Bateman) & "Big" Ethel Muggs (Judy Greer)

Forsythe P. Jones a.k.a. Jughead (Jason Bateman) & “Big” Ethel Muggs (Judy Greer)

THE ELDERS (Mr. Lodge, Miss Grundy & Mr. Weatherbee):

Mr. Lodge’s life slowed down when his wife was diagnosed with cancer. His relationship with Veronica has been strained since he stopped supporting her  and both their lives will take a dramatic turn when Mrs. Lodge passes away from complications from her leukemia.

Miss Grundy (who, now, goes by Ms. Grundy) & Mr. Weatherbee are still with the Riverdale school system; Mr. Weatherbee is now Superintendent & Ms. Lodge was promoted to principal. A romance developed between them after years of always having each other’s backs. They married in a small civil ceremony at City Hall. Mr. Weatherbee went through gastric bypass surgery after a health scare a few years back; shedding the pounds and looking as svelte as ever. On their anniversary, they decided to have the celebration they wish they could’ve had back then and everyone is invited. This is where the story picks up…the gang have not been together in years and there’s a lot of  skeletons rattling in their closets.

Ephram Lodge (Donald Sutherland), Ms. Grundy (Emma Thompson) & Mr. Weatherbee (Will Ferrell)

Mr. Hiram Lodge (Donald Sutherland), Miss Geraldine Grundy (Emma Thompson) & Mr. Waldo Weatherbee (Will Ferrell)

DON’T YOU JUST WANT TO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW??!?!!!!!! No? Just me? Cool…cool, cool, cool.

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