JaBG’s TOP 5 Online Dating Deal-breakers

There are many things I don’t stand for when it comes to online dating. These cause an automatic dismissal of your profile and you, essentially, because I will never trust your judgement. Ever. Everything you choose to display or not is your choice & that’s the unspoken and otherwise, invisible rule I work with. How does this gentleman portray himself? Do his words conflict with his photos or vice versa? So I put together this fun list of deal-breakers with my reactions portrayed by the King herself, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. Without further adieu, here is…

JaBG’s TOP 5 Online Dating Deal-breakers

Beyonce - you ready

5) Ironic/Unironic photos with either/both of the Ford brothers

If there’s one thing that gets under my skin, it’s the mayor of the city where I reside. I’m instantly turned off if a man CHOOSES to display a photo of himself posing with Rob Ford and/or his brother, Doug. They don’t make me laugh. I don’t enjoy their spectacle. I don’t think they’re believable humans. Men, if you support them – that’s totally cool, but you won’t get my time or attention. If you think it’s just a funny photo with a blubbering idiot – that’s totally cool, but I won’t trust any “fun” idea you ever come up with so, there’s just no point in carrying on.  Associating yourself with these men in any way whether it be genuine or in jest is an instant ‘left swipe’ or ‘Delete This Conversation.’

GIF - Beyonce to the left

4) I wear my sunglasses at night…(and also any time of the day during any and all activities you could think of to photograph me doing)

Much like the Hat Trick, men don’t seem to realize that to regular humans, not seeing someone’s full face can leave us feeling a little off. We’re using online tools to meet people for individual reasons but all of those reasons are based on physical attraction first. We can be honest; that’s what it is. We see something that looks good which makes us want to investigate if those good looks match our other criteria. When you choose to block out your face with sunglasses in every single photo then have the audacity to ask ME for more pics when all of mine are clear, straight-on-my-face beauty shots.  Boy…

GIF - Beyonce snarl

3) Always A Married Man, Never Available

This one’s super simple: don’t post pics from your wedding day with your ex-wife. There are legitimate couples online looking for threesomes; it happens, no judging. It’s not my thing but go on and get it, progressive pairs. For those men who, for some blasted reason, are actually single and don’t realize the absolute absurdity of keeping his wedding pic as one of the many on his profile…we’re just not meant to be. You’re dumb. Baleted.

GIF - Beyonce how the hell

2) The Line-Up

You have one photo posted where I can only assume you’re somewhere in it OR there are several photos YOU CHOSE to display with the same group of friends. You haven’t written any notes on the pics to indicate who you are. You are just one of the faces among a sea of male faces in every. single. photo. you’ve. posted. Tha fuq?! Just say you’re the one in the black t-shirt! You’re the one second from the right wearing the sombrero. Or (just a suggestion) have a photo of just you, y’know, showing your face. That would eliminate so many questions.  I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy.  If you don’t realize you should somehow discern yourself from the groups of men in your photos, then no…not today.

GIF - Beyonce you don't know what I'm feeling 1) It’s “Take Your Kids To Work” Day, not “Take Your Kid’s Pic & Use It To Lure In Women” Day

Stop. Posting. Your. Child’s. Photo. On. Dating. Sites.  I have spoken about this time and time again and it is more irksome now than ever.  Listen, it’s simple: you’re an adult and you’re looking for love or sex or pictures of feet. Do you, I’m not here to judge that. Your children who are innocently asleep in their bunk beds at your ex-wife’s home do not need to be the focus of acquiring your next date. I’m not saying to hide the fact you have kids; there’s a lovely section on all sites/apps where you can add any information about yourself that you want. But it’s the internet. It doesn’t matter what year it is, online is full of creeps. And it’s that much easier for them to find out things about you. Hopefully you can protect yourself, your babies, well…they didn’t have a say in their face being part of your dating campaign. So please, think twice about this, because if I can see just how far away you live from me and in which area of town, it wouldn’t be that hard for a psychopath to deep-dive and somehow the-hand-that-rocks-the-cradle your life in some capacity. I’m sure no one really takes online dating this seriously, hence why your kids are everywhere on your profile but this is not your wallet. It’s not the place to newborn-Simba your children. When you start chatting with someone new and it’s going well, take it offline and share whatever photos you want of yourself, your vacations, the fish you caught, your friend’s Ducati, peen puppetry & your offspring.

GIF - Beyonce any questions?

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