You Can Leave Your Hat On (Sometimes. Only!)

Please press play:

DON’T post less than two photos on your online profile. At MINIMUM, these photos should be:

  1. an unobstructed view of your face
  2. a 3/4 to full body photo

Beware of multiple photos in sunglasses and hats. Why, you ask? Let me break this down for you:

I do NOT fux with Bono’d* Bens,
I do NOT fux with Hat Tricked** Glens,
I would not, could not in a jam,
I would not, could not give a damn,
So heed my words, and find your zen,
And only fux with full-faced mens.

*Bonos – men who wear sunglasses FOREVER in photos.
**Hat Tricks – men who never seem to be without a hat (if this sounds superficial, it 100% is supposed to). 

We all want to put our best foot, or face in this case, forward BUT don’t be sneaky. I let you see me, so you let me see you – it’s only fair. I have bad teeth and sometimes my right eye crosses because it’s my weak eye but it’s me so I deal. You’ll find out anyway, so here I am! Listen, beauty is subjective – what I find attractive, you may not. I melt for a man with cauliflower ears, that’s an attractive physical quality to me. If you’re in a hat that pins those ears back, well…shame on you! See the greatest hat trick of our modern day, Ne-Yo. It baffles me every time and it has NOTHING to do with his receding hairline. His entire sexssence (sex essence) vanishes when he’s sans hat. Trust me, Ne-Yo in a hat can get it all day long without uttering a single word. I’m attracted to Ne-Yo under false pretenses because he’ll never ALWAYS be in a hat, but if a hatless “Ne-Yo” is genuine and shoots me a great message…then looky here, the hat will be my bonus.

Ne-Yes

Ne-Yes

Ne-No

Ne-No *single blink*

Are there exceptions to my made-up rule, of course there are! If the photo does not have the brim blocking parts of his face, then he can leave his hat on always. But if you think you’re going to get more interest hiding your male pattern baldness or your sunken in soft spot, I’d suggest you come correct the first time.

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One response

  1. Hahahaha. I’ve come to realize the same hat tricking you speak of, and if all photos consist of him wearing a hat — nope! I chuckled reading this though and am glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.
    Love your blogs, please don’t stop keeping ’em comin’.

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