Might As Well Face It, You’re Allergic To Plans

Please press play:

I just have one question, which will subsequently be followed by several more, but WHY can’t y’all make a plan? I mean, seriously why is this a thing that can’t happen.

I am 33 years old and I don’t know if I’m going on a date tomorrow morning. I legitimately don’t know. Am I simple? Is my soft spot finally hard? Am I wired differently?

Here’s the text conversation (don’t even get me started on that, because I absolutely fear speaking on the phone until it comes to men. I want to hear your voice. I want you to call me so I can hear your excitement at the thought of spending time with me. YAS!):

SUNDAY

Me: Hi! Are you free anytime soon?

Him: Hi! Hmm what did you have in mind?

Me: Haha! Whatever you want. When I asked you about the movie before, I thought you’d send a date you were free. But you didn’t. So that’s why I’m being proactive. I would like to see your face again if you’d like to see mine. And if not, then I absolutely understand and won’t bug you again.

MONDAY

*He sends a photo of what he’s doing, we small talk about a dresser I’ve been trying to build for weeks. Concludes with me sending him a photo of the finished dresser*

TUESDAY

Him: Are you free in the daytime Friday? I could hang out then if you have time. Dresser looks fantastic! 

Me: I have Friday off but I’m seeing a movie with a friend in the afternoon.

Him: I’m talking morning anyhow 

Me: Alright, that works for me. I have to be at the theatre for 12:30 so the morning is fine.

Him: We could do brunch or spend no cash and just hang out someplace warmish…like a junk shop

Me: I like either/both ideas. Maybe junk shop then something warm to eat and drink after?

THURSDAY

Me: Tomorrow: 9AM too early? Which junk shop will be privileged enough to receive our attention?

Him: There are a few together on Kingston Rd. East of the bottom of Warden. Might be a good bet.

Me: Sounds good.

And to qualify, my “sounds good.” I thought he would continue the conversation with actual details. I honestly did.

First of all, kudos to me because I’m cute as f*ck when I text. A man should be so lucky. I have personality, I have a little sass…I’m perfect.  Back to the question of the hour: Do I or do I not have a date? I mean, is it at 9AM? Do I just go to the intersection of Kingston Rd. & Warden Ave. tomorrow morning? Is there a name to the shop we’re going; maybe just for a more specific meeting place? Are these things I should spell out? I mean, I asked if 9AM was too early, was that too complicated? Should I have said:

“What address should I meet you at at 9AM? If not at 9AM, what time works for you? And please, don’t forget to send me the address of where you would like to meet….at the time that works best for you. Also, specify the exact time. Again…whatever works for you tomorrow morning but with focused detail on the time and the address, OR NAME…name works too, of the place at this intersection since you mentioned there are a few, I just want to clarify the one we’ll start with, if any….” I MEAN, DA FUQ??!?!?!?  Whaa? Guh? LsafdjeOVU%$R(*U43jk&^*#!?!??

GIF - beyonce-confused

The moral of this story is, I think singles today are allergic to making plans. There’s something about setting a date or scheduling when to meet that is too close to commitment. In this bleak time of hook-up culture, I’m just unimpressed. What’s old becomes new again, right? I would welcome the resurgence of some old-fashioned courting in society. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’ll sleep in tomorrow. Because I don’t know if I have a date.

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JaBG’s Guide To Win The Night When You’ve Been Stood Up

I felt the need to address this thing that seems to surprise many: people stand up other people. Yes. YES!!! It’s a real thing. Sometimes people are so scared of meeting, or just terrible humans, and decide not to show up for dates without warning. And they never reach out to apologize or provide a semblance of an explanation. They vanish. POOF! It really happens. Well, it happens to me. So here’s how you still win the night:

  1. You’re already dressed for a date, so you’re going to go on a date. With yourself.
  2. If you’re in an establishment that has food and/or drinks, get yourself a table for one and spread da fuq out. It’s YOUR night.
  3. Eat all the food.
  4. Drink all the wine.
  5. Even if you can’t fit it in, order dessert & take a single bite of that evening delight.
  6. Upon working out the tip calculation for your meal, slide your finger over to your “Contacts” AND DELETE THAT MAN’S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE FOREVER.
  7. Pay your bill.
  8. Wipe the corners of your mouth.
  9. Prance. Home.
GIF - Beyonce SG walk

*Example for a more professional prancer. Make it your own. Fill your body with sass as you exit the bar/pub/restaurant.

You’re welcome!

JaBG’s TOP 5 Online Dating Deal-breakers

There are many things I don’t stand for when it comes to online dating. These cause an automatic dismissal of your profile and you, essentially, because I will never trust your judgement. Ever. Everything you choose to display or not is your choice & that’s the unspoken and otherwise, invisible rule I work with. How does this gentleman portray himself? Do his words conflict with his photos or vice versa? So I put together this fun list of deal-breakers with my reactions portrayed by the King herself, Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter. Without further adieu, here is…

JaBG’s TOP 5 Online Dating Deal-breakers

Beyonce - you ready

5) Ironic/Unironic photos with either/both of the Ford brothers

If there’s one thing that gets under my skin, it’s the mayor of the city where I reside. I’m instantly turned off if a man CHOOSES to display a photo of himself posing with Rob Ford and/or his brother, Doug. They don’t make me laugh. I don’t enjoy their spectacle. I don’t think they’re believable humans. Men, if you support them – that’s totally cool, but you won’t get my time or attention. If you think it’s just a funny photo with a blubbering idiot – that’s totally cool, but I won’t trust any “fun” idea you ever come up with so, there’s just no point in carrying on.  Associating yourself with these men in any way whether it be genuine or in jest is an instant ‘left swipe’ or ‘Delete This Conversation.’

GIF - Beyonce to the left

4) I wear my sunglasses at night…(and also any time of the day during any and all activities you could think of to photograph me doing)

Much like the Hat Trick, men don’t seem to realize that to regular humans, not seeing someone’s full face can leave us feeling a little off. We’re using online tools to meet people for individual reasons but all of those reasons are based on physical attraction first. We can be honest; that’s what it is. We see something that looks good which makes us want to investigate if those good looks match our other criteria. When you choose to block out your face with sunglasses in every single photo then have the audacity to ask ME for more pics when all of mine are clear, straight-on-my-face beauty shots.  Boy…

GIF - Beyonce snarl

3) Always A Married Man, Never Available

This one’s super simple: don’t post pics from your wedding day with your ex-wife. There are legitimate couples online looking for threesomes; it happens, no judging. It’s not my thing but go on and get it, progressive pairs. For those men who, for some blasted reason, are actually single and don’t realize the absolute absurdity of keeping his wedding pic as one of the many on his profile…we’re just not meant to be. You’re dumb. Baleted.

GIF - Beyonce how the hell

2) The Line-Up

You have one photo posted where I can only assume you’re somewhere in it OR there are several photos YOU CHOSE to display with the same group of friends. You haven’t written any notes on the pics to indicate who you are. You are just one of the faces among a sea of male faces in every. single. photo. you’ve. posted. Tha fuq?! Just say you’re the one in the black t-shirt! You’re the one second from the right wearing the sombrero. Or (just a suggestion) have a photo of just you, y’know, showing your face. That would eliminate so many questions.  I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy.  If you don’t realize you should somehow discern yourself from the groups of men in your photos, then no…not today.

GIF - Beyonce you don't know what I'm feeling 1) It’s “Take Your Kids To Work” Day, not “Take Your Kid’s Pic & Use It To Lure In Women” Day

Stop. Posting. Your. Child’s. Photo. On. Dating. Sites.  I have spoken about this time and time again and it is more irksome now than ever.  Listen, it’s simple: you’re an adult and you’re looking for love or sex or pictures of feet. Do you, I’m not here to judge that. Your children who are innocently asleep in their bunk beds at your ex-wife’s home do not need to be the focus of acquiring your next date. I’m not saying to hide the fact you have kids; there’s a lovely section on all sites/apps where you can add any information about yourself that you want. But it’s the internet. It doesn’t matter what year it is, online is full of creeps. And it’s that much easier for them to find out things about you. Hopefully you can protect yourself, your babies, well…they didn’t have a say in their face being part of your dating campaign. So please, think twice about this, because if I can see just how far away you live from me and in which area of town, it wouldn’t be that hard for a psychopath to deep-dive and somehow the-hand-that-rocks-the-cradle your life in some capacity. I’m sure no one really takes online dating this seriously, hence why your kids are everywhere on your profile but this is not your wallet. It’s not the place to newborn-Simba your children. When you start chatting with someone new and it’s going well, take it offline and share whatever photos you want of yourself, your vacations, the fish you caught, your friend’s Ducati, peen puppetry & your offspring.

GIF - Beyonce any questions?