These five words made me breakdown on Saturday night. I don’t know if you have one of these, but I’m convinced everyone does: that one friend you don’t see often, but they’re one of your mains. They know all of your demons and always pop up when you need them most even when you’re not looking for help.
This past weekend, my friend stopped by my place to bestow some season’s greetings and also say bye before his annual trip abroad to volunteer with children. Now, those who know me know how difficult it is to get into my home. My own parents have to plan this out with me almost weeks in advance. I don’t know why this is a product of my social anxiety and depression, but it’s one of the main things I’m working on with my counsellor. I need to let people in. Somehow, this dude lets himself in, metaphorically & physically-speaking. He never really asks to come over, he just says he’ll be coming to town. I’m forced to sit in my uneasiness and prepare for the impending visit. He’s never pushy, it’s just the unspoken/unwritten deal we have, I guess. The visits aren’t long, but they are some of the most nutrition-filled for my soul. We catch up, we vent, we share, we listen, we sit in silence. Neither of us will say anything to make things “better,” but just having someone to tell it to is exactly what’s needed.
When he leaves he always gives proper hugs. (Yes, there are right and wrong ways to hug and the explanation will be a later post.) There’s nothing sexual, suggestive or romantic about it. It’s all-encompassing. There’s a transfer energy I didn’t know I was lacking. He doesn’t speak during, he doesn’t pat my back in quick succession to indicate “that’s enough;” he simply provides something sturdy for me to hold on to when I’m feeling effing weak. He gives me a momentary sense of security I’m missing in my life. He makes it okay for me to let my guard down. I don’t have to be the independent, mature adult who’s the great pretender. I get to be the girl I hide in the presence of company; who doesn’t know what the f*ck I’m doing & wishes I had the love and support from someone special in my life.
Before he let go, he quietly said, “I always hope you’re well.” That was it for me. Those five words. My breath simultaneously whooshed from my lungs & caught in my throat. Such an innocent sentiment. I hope the sound that came from me signified an adequate “thanks.” And then he was gone. A whirlwind visit that fed my malnourished, emotional belly.
I’m only human. A damaged one at that, so the tears flowed freely when he was gone. A much-needed seasonal cry.
We have to remember for all the talking we continue to do, our brains exhaust us with the good fight. We should never feel guilty for taking some time just for ourselves. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that especially at this time of year.
That’s the end. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Here’s to 2015, a brand-new year of self-help, self-love & self esteem. I hope we remain well, my loves.
JUST (another) BLACK GIRL 